Three humorous changes titles on chapters
by IShouldBeOverThis
Summary: Not submitted for the change one thing in canon challenge.  Humorous.
1. Ugly as Sin and Twice as Surly

'Ugly as sin and twice as surly' as John's grandmother used to say.

For starters he was lit from underneath and no one looks good like that—makes you look like Boris Karloff as the creature in "Frankenstein." His face was horsey with eyes that were too small and squinty, and too far apart. He wore his hair in an unflattering buzz cut that made you aware of just how long and narrow his head was. His neck was long, but thick. In fact, his head was the same width as his neck. John was amazed that the stranger could hold the pipette with his chubby fingers, he was so morbidly obese. And surely the Hobnobs he was shoving into his mouth were contaminating his experiment, whatever it might be.

"Mike, can I borrow your phone?"

"Here, use mine."

"Oh, thanks, but I can't use the slide out keyboards."

Fingers too fat, thought John.

"Ah, Molly, coffee!" The stranger jumped up when an attractive young woman in a lab coat walked in, well, as fast as he could with his massive weight, "I got you coffee. Black, two sugars. Just the way you like it." Some of the coffee spilled from the cup as he rushed to hand it to her.

"Er, thanks."

Poor girl, John thought, having to put up with the unwanted attention of this guy.

"How do you feel about the violin?"

Right, that was enough. "Thanks, Mike, talk to you later," John said as he turned and walked out the door. Sure, the guy would make John the 'handsome' one, but the violin played with fat fingers was definitely a deal-breaker.


	2. Amazing, Completely Wrong, but Amazing

"That was amazing."

"You think so?"

"Amazing. Completely wrong, but amazing."

"What? Which part?"

"Oh, all of it."

"What? But what other answers could possibly fit all those facts?"

"I'm not a doctor, I'm a forensic anthropologist. I recently returned from a dig in Peru where I contracted Dengue fever. I shaved my head because of the rash and it's only just growing out. Unfortunately, the Dengue fever led to transverse myelitis. I have no feeling in my leg from the knee down so I don't feel pain, but I need a cane to walk, and I wear a back brace that gives me this posture. It also gave me an intermittent tremor in my left hand that makes it hard to plug my phone in at night. As to the scratches, it's hard to keep a phone safe on a dig. Must have dropped it a few times or nicked it with my trowel."

"But the inscription?"

"My first name is Harry, but I hate it. I generally publish under H.J. Watson. The woman I was seeing, the sponsor of the dig, liked to tease me about it, so she had the phone engraved before I came home."

"It's always something."


	3. I Had a Row

Sherlock passed the first few items over the scanner with ease, listening to the friendly little beep. Really, John made this sound so complicated. He was such a Luddite.

…

"I think you want Sherlock," said John to the berobed figure standing in the middle of the sitting room. (Okay, first, why was the man decked out like an extra in _Lawrence of Arabia? _Did he come on the tube dressed like that? Second, why did they always leave the doors to the flat wide open? Had Mrs. Hudson let him in?)

…

The third item, however, seemed to cause the machine trouble. Sherlock glowered at both the lettuce and the machine to punish them for their inability to work together.

….

(Third, was he really wielding a scimitar? Really?) Thank God, John still had his army reflexes, as he ducked before he even registered that he was doing it.

….

After the third try, Sherlock simply dumped several pound notes on the scanner, bagged his groceries and started out of the store. He was quite annoyed to be stopped by a young woman wearing a store nametag.

…

(And, for once, thank God Sherlock had left the gun out on the table.) So after letting the assassin show off his sword-wielding skills, John was able to simply pick up the gun and shoot him.

….

"Oh, what now? I left money, see. I have successfully done the shopping!" he exclaimed and stomped off, leaving her gape-jawed behind him.

….

Lestrade and John were standing over the body of a dead Bedouin when Sherlock climbed the stairs with his bag of groceries.

"Don't worry about me," he said, petulantly, "I can manage." Really, some people were so dramatic.


End file.
